


while you were away

by GhostGrrl



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: :), Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anal Sex, Angst, Denial of Feelings, Dirty Talk, Drugs, Falling In Love, Kinda, M/M, Memory Loss, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-06 13:32:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11037195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostGrrl/pseuds/GhostGrrl
Summary: Harry loses his memory in the spring.Draco loves him through it.





	while you were away

**Author's Note:**

> I really like this piece, and I hope you do too. I'm super new to this fandom and this is very my first hp fic. :') It takes place four years after the war, and lets pretend ron and hermione had rose two years after the war. 
> 
> The seasons that have "after" go in order. The seasons that have "before" go in order.
> 
> please let me know what you think !! xx

 

_I fell in love with you again, while you were away._

_\- Alice Sebold, The Lovely Bones_

_~::~_

Spring _After_

 

Harry Potter loses his memory in the spring. 

 

Things were finally aligning for Draco. Things were finally so good after a life of just so much _bad_ , and he almost believed it. He almost believed that he, Draco Malfoy, ex death eater, child bully, could be truly happy. 

 

Harry couldn't remember anything.  Harry couldn't remember  _him._

 

He didn't remember the touches. The gazes that lasted too long. He didn't remember the long chats they had, spilling their souls.  He didn't remember the  _love._

 

How could this happen? How could Harry change his entire world and then leave? 

 

Whether it by choice, or by _really fucking bad luck_ , he's still  _gone._ And now Draco's alone. 

 

Harry couldn't remember anything.

 

_And Draco can't forget._

~~~

It was a raid gone bad. A spell that Harry hadn't seen, and he hadn't dodged it in time. The memory loss was instantaneous. The pain was not.

~~~

"He doesn't remember anything past the year after the war. He remembers staying with Ron and I, but he doesn't remember leaving. He doesn't remember meeting you." Hermione explains, running a hand through her hair. Her eyes are red. "He doesn't remember meeting the new you, or the real you, at least thats what he, er, old Harry, referred to you as." 

 

Draco stares at her wordlessly, tears falling helplessly. 

 

Ron approaches them before Draco can even decipher his rapid thoughts and questions into coherent words, and get his mouth to work. 

 

"The best healers are working on him now, but it doesn't seem reversible any time too. It may take years. This was really dark magic." Ron says sadly, his face almost matches his hair. "He doesn't even remember Rose." 

Tears fall heavily between the two as the truth and actuality of the situation begins to become concrete.  

"He doesn't remember me." Draco says finally, his voice horse. It hurts to talk. "He only remembers us as children, he only remembers what I did back then. He doesn't remember how long it's been, or how I've been trying to get past it. He doesn't remember helping me try to. So what do I do?"

 

He hasn't felt this helpless in a long time.  

 

Hermione opens her mouth but nothing comes out. She sighs and looks at him sadly. 

 

Her and Draco weren't what you'd call "friends" but they were at the point where they realized that the both of them were necessities to Harry, and she would never ask Harry to choose. 

 

She was confused and a little hurt at first as to why  _Draco,_ but Harry always replied that he didn't know _why_ either. He would never do something to hurt her on purpose, but it happens. They were fooling around, but it was like he woke up one day and something had changed. Draco meant more to him than anyone had meant to him before. 

 

Hermione trusted Harry's judgement, and Ron trusted hers. It has been years after all. They were no longer children. 

 

"Love him through it." She says. 

 

~~~

Summer _Before_

 

Draco sees Harry for the first time after the war four years later in a muggle gay bar. 

 

At first he thinks he's hallucinating. 

 

Perhaps the muggle drug he's on brings out his wildest repressed desires. Things that sober Draco would never allow himself to admit he wants. Hallucinations were a side affect after all. 

 

 But no, there he was. Tall and firm, wearing a muggle band t-shirt that _fits,_ his hair making him look just thoroughly shagged, and bright Avada Kedavra eyes. 

 

Harry's sitting at the bar, head cocked to the side, neck exposed and being kissed and sucked by a blonde haired muggle. Harry notices Draco right away.

 

 The eye contact that night carried a thousand words, and neither one looks away. 

 

_What are you doing here?_

 

_Same as you._

 

_It's been four years._

 

_Perceptive as ever, Potter._

 

_I tried to look for you._

 

 _Apparently_ _not hard enough._

 

_After the trials you vanished._

 

_I didn't want to be found._

 

Draco never stops feeling Harry's gaze on him. Not then, and not in the months that follow. It was strange to be watched by Potter again. It felt like it could be desire.

But Draco didn't allow himself to assume. 

 

Potter didn't stop, and Draco didn't like that. 

 

Suddenly Potter was everywhere. Trying to find out what Draco had been up to since the war, trying to have  _tea_ with him, flashing eyes, trying to be "friends" or something. 

 

Since when did Potter flash eyes. Since when was Potter so bloody confident. He oozed sex, and Draco allowed himself to admit he at-least wanted  _that._

 

He couldn't remember the last time he had been shagged well enough to numb anything to be honest. 

 

He wouldn't mind a go with Potter at all. He seems like he'd be just what Draco needs. He'd give it all to him, and the defined muscles of his arms tell Draco that Harry   would make him  _take it all._ Lingering bruises, sore throat, Merlin, Draco wanted it. 

 

~~~

 

What began as a teeth clashing, tongue fighting snog, led to a hip bruising  _glorious_ shag. 

 

Draco could only arch his arse up higher, press his face down into the pillow, masking his screams, masking his pleas for Potter to never stop, and just

 _  
take it_. 

 

Potter was fucking him  _so good_ , and he couldn't get enough. 

 

Later in the night while they laid in sweat soaked sheets, Potter asleep soundly, Draco listened to his heart beat. 

 

Potter looked so young in his sleep, but nothing like the boy he once knew. Nothing like the boy he taunted in his childish formative years. Draco cringes. He hates himself. He hates remembering. 

 

But he continues to lay there, facing Harry, studying to the curve of his lips, wanting to taste them again. 

 

He couldn't help but think that P _otter looked like something that he could have._

 

 ~~~

Winter  _Before_

 

They've been shagging regularly for months. They don't talk about what it is that they're doing, and honestly, Draco doesn't want to.  

 

But Potter wasn't doing what people who just shag do. He wanted to know _everything_ about Draco, and Draco gave up thinking he was spying on him or something. So he decided it had to be something else. 

 

 Did he feel obligated to pretend he cared because they were shagging? 

 

Because there's no way Harry Potter was genuinely curious to hear what Draco had to say.

 

Draco already knew that he was pathetic, but he didn't need pity.  

 

And he wanted to tell Potter that it was okay. He didn't expect anything from him. He knew who he was, and what he was. He wanted to tell Potter that he shouldn't want him to stay after they shag. He should make him leave. 

_(Please make me leave, I"m afraid I won't be able to sleep without you if don't. )_

 

Draco remembers fire.

 

 

 

~~~ 

As the days passed by Potter wasn't going away, and Draco found himself looking forward to their time together. More than just shagging. He hadn't looked forward

to anything in a long long time. But he looked forward to hearing about Ron and Hermione. He looked forward to hearing about little baby Rose. 

 

Draco didn't imagine ever having anything again, let alone Harry Potter, in whatever capacity that he did. 

 

And as time passed, Draco opened up more and more, and out of nowhere, like a stunning hex,

he realizes that he had found a reason to live. 

 

~~~

  _Spring After_

 

 Draco stands in the hall outside Harry's hospital room. 

 

Harry doesn't remember why are you still here? Harry doesn't remember why are you still here?  Harry doesn't remember why are you still here? 

 

_"Love him through it"_

 

He's been pacing for ten minutes now. He can't get his heart under control. He stops suddenly in tracks because.. he can  _hear_ them. 

 

"Harry-" 

 

"I don't wan't to see him." Harry says strongly, wincing from pain however. 

 

"Harry, this is a lot to process for him too, but I think you sh-" Hermione pleads. Draco can hear the tears in her voice, or is that himself? 

 

"No, Hermione. I don't wan't to see him." Harry repeats. 

 

He sounds far away. 

 

Draco leaves before he hears anything else. 

 

There's nothing left to say. 

_~~~_

Spring _Before_

They're at Harry's flat and Harry's fucking him, but it feels different. _Amazing_ never the less, but this was different. 

 

Harry's settled between Draco's thighs, one of Draco's legs is resting on Harry's shoulder, and his cock is in Draco's arse. He spreads Draco's thighs father apart, and every single inch of him is buried so deep inside of Draco that tears form in Draco's eyes.

 

Draco could feel him everywhere. 

 

Harry brings their chests together, and kisses Draco soundless, all while fucking him steadily.  Draco's hand goes straight to the back of Harry's neck, and he kisses him harder. 

 

They had never done it like this before.

 

They make eye contact as Harry stab's Draco's prostate with a sharp thrust, and they never look away. 

 

"Like that?" Potter asks, his voice  _dangerous._ Draco could come from it alone. 

 

"God, _yes,_ Potter, please don't stop" Draco gasps, other hand reaching down to palm his neglected cock. 

 

 

Draco's eyes won't stop tearing and he tells himself it's because of how good it feels.

 

But he knows, his heart knows,  thats it's because for the first time in  _years_ he finally feels like the darkest parts of him, the thoughts that lurk in his soul, won't win.

 

Because this isn't just fucking. 

 

Harry's holding him, Harry's looking him in the eye, and he's  _making love to him._

Harry's comes with a cry, and the words, "Dray" on his lips.

 

_Where did that come from?_

 

Draco follows him right after. 

 

He slips out of him so gently that Draco could cry from that alone. 

 

No. 

 

This is too much. 

 

He knows better. 

 

He _knows better._

 

"I need to go." Draco says suddenly, leaning up, bed sheet wrapped around him. 

 

"What do you mean? Dray what's wrong?" 

 

"What do you think this is? We're not boyfriends Potter. We're _shagging._ You don't get to give me nicknames, you don't even know me. " Draco spits, his heart aching. 

 

_"Love is for fools. You will wed a pureblood witch and bring an heir to the Malfoy name." Lucius' speech blast's in Draco's mind._

"You're really going to say that to me right now? After all this time? After everything that's happened? " Harry responds, Draco's heart almost bursting at the hurt in voice. "You're such a coward. What are you so afraid of?" 

 

Draco moves to get dressed, but Harry grabs his arm, stopping him. 

 

"No." Potter shoots back, crawling in front of Draco on the mattress, so that he can face him.  "No, Draco. I'm not letting you do this." 

 

"Potter,  _please."_ Draco can't breathe. 

 

"I know that this is hard for you, feelings in general, but I can't help it. I just...love you Draco. I love you, and I'm not scared of that anymore. I'm not scared to love you, and I'm not scared to tell you. "   

Harry admits, eyes imploring."But I'll tell you what I am scared of." 

 

Draco takes a deep breath, closing his eyes. He couldn't calm his heart down. He knows what Harry's going to say. He's always known. 

 

"I'm scared of you not loving me back." 

 

 Draco couldn't help the gasp that escaped.  "Harry.." 

 

"Are you really going to pretend that you don't love me Draco?" Harry interrupts. "I see that way that you look at me."

 

_"Love is for fools. You will wed a pureblood witch and bring an heir to the Malfoy name."_

 

"What way?" 

 

"The way that tells me that you want me." Harry replies, his voice smooth, and eyes unreadable. It was an expression Draco had never seen before. "I know you think that you don't deserve it, but everything was so long ago. Yes, you did terrible things, but _I love you anyways._ " 

 

"I'm so scared. " Draco whispers. 

 

_"Love is for fools. You will wed a pureblood witch and bring an heir to the Malfoy name." Lucius' speech blares in Draco's mind for the thousandth time, his voice is so cold._

 

_Draco has never stopped shivering._

 

"You don't have to be. Not of this, and not of me." 

 

"Okay." Draco whispers finally, eyes closing, and voice breaking, finally succumbing to what he's spent years convincing himself he'd never deserve.  

 

 

Harry smiles.

 

~~~

Fall  _After_

 

 

"I had lunch with Draco on Saturday." Harry says finally, breaking the silence. 

 

He had called Hermione and told her it was urgent. But once he got there, it took him twenty minutes just to find the words.  

 

"So I heard, and how was it? Do you regret torturing the man and not letting him see you yet?" 

 

" _No."_ Harry responds. "It was bloody terrible. I feel like I'm breaking his heart just by showing him my face." 

 

"Harry this is just very hard for him. For all of us. I know you don't remember, but he just really lov-" 

 

"Loves me, yes I _know."_ Harry says back, a hint of annoyance in his voice. "I don't need my memory to know that he loved me. I see it every bloody time I look at him. So no I don't regret refusing to see him. I regret allowing it." 

 

Hermione is silent, shock on her face, that is taken over by, for a lack of a better word, just pure sadness. 

 

"I'm starting to remember Mione." Harry admits quietly. 

 

Months of treatment, months of mind healers and he's only  _now_ starting to remember. Bits and pieces that is. They feel like someone else's dream. 

 

"But Harry.. that's so great!" She assures him, patting his shoulder. " But what's wrong? Don't you want to?" 

 

"It's not enough." 

 

"Harry.." 

 

"God Hermione, he loves me _a lot_ doesn't he? I can feel it, The way my body loves him back, the way it reacts. I've never loved anyone like this before, and I can't even bloody _remember_ how it happened!" 

 

"So what are you saying?"

 

"I'm saying I need to let him go. He needs to find someone whose able to love him back _completely._  " 

 

"Harry are you sure about this? Your memories will come back, look at what's happened already." 

 

"They  _will,_ but not soon enough. I'm not even complete myself, I can't do this to him. Not anymore." Harry sighs, eyes red. 

 

"But you love him." 

 

"It's why I've got to let him go." 

 

Hermione knew then that his mind set and there was absolutely nothing she could say or do to change it. 

 

 ~~~

Winter _After_

Harry had refused to see Draco in the hospital, but eventually gave him. They had lunch, but Draco could already tell five minutes into it that it was ending.

Now here they were. 

 

"You told me that you loved me for the first time right there." Draco says quietly, pointing to the bed that's visible through the glass doors, exhaling the cigarette smoke. 

 

Old Harry begged him to stop taking muggle drugs, but the itch was still there. The desire to numb was still there, especially now. 

 

So he resorts to cigarettes. 

 

They're on the balcony of Harry's flat, connected to his bedroom. 

 

Harry sighs. "Draco-"

 

"I'm on the verge of tears, and you feel nothing." Draco says so sadly, Harry cannot meet his eyes. 

 

Not  _nothing_ , but Draco could not know that. Draco needed to move on, Draco needed to be happy. 

 

 "I can't bloody remember Draco. Okay? I'm sorry. I can't be him, the old me, the one that loved you-" 

  

"Are you seriously telling me that you don't love me?" Draco says tiredly,  and Harry's brow furrow. It sounded so familiar. But he can't place it, he's never been able to place these things. "After all this time? After everything that's happened?" 

 

Harry says nothing. 

 

Draco looks at him then, eyes rimmed red, and he nods. "There it is." 

 

"Draco-" 

 

"No. It's okay." He says as he begins to gather his coat.  

 

"You make me feel like I'm competing against a ghost. All these expectations. All these memories that I don't have. I'm so sorry. I know I.., he, meant a great deal to you. I wish I could remember how much you mean to me too." 

 

"No I'm sorry. It was pointless wasn't it? We were never meant to be together, and this is just the universe's way of confirming it." Draco says, tears falling freely now, coat in hand. "You were right Harry, you don't love me. You can't, and you won't. So what am I still fighting for?" 

 

"You once told me that you weren't scared to love me anymore, just scared of me not loving you back." Draco laughs bitterly. "Look how the tables have turned." 

 

Harry doesn't breathe again until long after the front door shuts. 

 

 

~~~

 

Draco leaves in the Winter. 

 

 

Harry loves him through it.

 

~~~

 

 Spring  _After_

 

 "Are you happy now Harry?" Ron asks him, Rose on his lap, a children's book in her hand. "Is this what you wanted?"

 

"None of this is what I wanted, but it's how it has to be." Harry responds solemnly. "I can't be who or what he needs. He's better without me." 

 

"But you love him." Ron replies, her gaze strong and determined. "And he loves you Harry, despite it all." 

 

"He loves who I used to be." Harry replies, eyes stinging. "He doesn't love this  _me._ He only thinks he does, and it's killing him, and I love him enough to want him to live. Even if it's without me." 

 

 "Harry..I know you don't remember, but I do. I saw the way that he was. He was an arse during Hogwarts, everyone and their mother knows this, but the war changed him. I'll admit I hated him, but no one hated him as much as he did. Can you imagine Malfoy not being Malfoy? That's what it was. It's like he was already dead.  _You_ brought him back." Ron says as Hermione walks back into the room with three cups of tea on a tray.

"Harry, mate, I don't think there's any version of you that Draco doesn't love." 

 

 "But what if this version isn't enough? What if he grows to resent me? To resent this?" Harry confesses, blinking away his tears." I think he already has." 

 

"He'll love you through it. Just as we will. Just as we have." Hermione says softly. 

 

She hugs him then, and reminds him that they both love him and will always love him. 

 

"I have little glimpses, er, dreams. It's not a lot, I still don't remember first meeting Rose, and I still don't feel the same. But it's how I remembered." 

 

"Remembered what?" Ron asks, he and Hermione sharing a look. 

 

"Enough to try and ask him to take me back." 

 

~~~

 

Draco opens the door. 

 

Harry gazes at him, eyes glossy, unshed tears present. 

 

There's a look in Harry's eye, a look Draco wants to believe but no there's no way, it's not possible. Harry's said all that he needed to say all that time ago. Draco's accepted it. He's accepted his cruel punishment. 

 

He cannot let himself hope any longer.

 

Time is sacred, time is of the essence, and time is passing. It has past. 

 

He was a fool, and he disobeyed his father. He fell in love. Well he's learned his lesson this time. So why is heart beating so fast?

Why is Harry at his door at 11 clock at night looking at Draco in a way that terrifies him beyond words? 

 

Harry closes the gap then, grabbing at Draco's collar, lips crashing. He wants this, he wants Draco. He want's him so bad, and he wants him _forever._

 

 _I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I thought I was doing what was right._  

 

When he feels Draco tongue  _finally_ reciprocate after what felt like hours, Harry know's he's forgiven. 

 

When they separate, Harry rests his forehead against Draco's, lips only a word away. 

 

 _"Dray."_ he whispers. 

 

Draco's heart skips one two three beats, and his gasp is loud. 

 

Harry places his hand on his cheek, eye's searching, heart pleading. 

_I remember enough. I remember how much I love you. I was a fool. It's enough, it's always been enough. You were always enough._

 

Draco smiles. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for any mistakes, no beta!
> 
> thank you so much for reading xx


End file.
